@dhumann: [speed dating]
Me: "Facebook or Twitter?"
Me: "Have a nice life."
@DionneMcNutt: I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
@LifeAsBros: "Police! Open up!" "No, you're gonna yell at me"
@Sarcasticsapien: I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.
@IamEnidColeslaw: NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
@nonchalantnacho: Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.