@dhumann: [speed dating]
Me: "Facebook or Twitter?"
Me: "Have a nice life."
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car."
Tim: "You did what?!"
Ian: "Baked you a pie."
@meganamram: Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
@shkeeber: My job blocked the Favstar website and I'm not sure if I should quit or take hostages.
Haha! Jk. I'm totally taking hostages.
@TheBoydP: Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
@EJT___: When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants