[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.