[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
operators are standing by to ignore your call
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here