[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Nothing to do, you say?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.