[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.