[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
The Sun
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.