[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
We decided to have money instead of children.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.