My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up