[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Woke up against my better judgement again
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.