Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My Sentiments Exactly
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…