You Might Also Like
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Favourite diary entry ever
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training