@joshbupkes: Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live
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@BucMarvin: Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
@mrtruthandsoul: Boss: You're not fired but we're taking away all your responsibilities. Me: Cool, a promotion! Boss: No-- Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Guinea pigs aren't real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
@Death_Buddy: I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"