I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
rapatouille
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Webb. James Webb.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”