@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
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@LuvPug: So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh And he was all --- And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh And he was --- And that's when I knew it wasn't gonna work out
@alexlumaga: Smoke Detector: CHIRP *replaces battery* Smoke Detector: CHIRP *takes battery back out* Smoke Detector: CHIRP *sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods* Smoke Detector: CHIRP Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER Smoke Detector: Me: Smoke Detector: CHIRP
@AmishPornStar1: Best part about marriage? NO MORE CONDOMS!!! Worst part about marriage? No more sex.
@NotJPo: Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.