[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%