[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.