spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.