SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Möther may I have a snäck
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
This is my bus stop.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.