SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Cake!!
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.