[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.