[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I did not eat the cake…
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.