The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.