( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.