( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.