That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
You Might Also Like
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth