His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
uncle dave has been through hell
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
#SCOTUS one-star review
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*