[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.