[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.