[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes