[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
lol
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway