[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Good Morning.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations