[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*gets down on one knee*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.