[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
eggs benadryl
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”