[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
sliding into dms like
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I have a type: disappointing
channeling her this year
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.