Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????