I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I love art.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
i want to work in this restaurant
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I saw this ending much differently.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.