[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.