[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.