[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You Might Also Like
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.