You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink