If you’re testing me, we failed.
You Might Also Like
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
the three genders
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.