[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’m giving up for Lent.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Encore…
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.