[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Breakfast for Stoners:
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Breaking news:
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist