*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.