Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
what?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
When can I start eating bats again.