“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Don’t make me out nice you.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]