[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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How do you milk an almond?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.