[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it