there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
channeling her this year
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”