*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour