[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
PLOT TWIST:
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.