[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.